Survivors of the Z’s- Rhonda Gedling, near Ashford city, California
“Mom,” I said, a little girl, nine years old, appearing at the side of my mother’s bedroom, the door was slightly open and I could hear noises. I looked in.
The bed creaked like crazy. Up and down up and down up and down. Going through my ears. Irritating me as I tried to sleep for school the next day. I thought there was something wrong, so I took a short trip down the shit- hole- corridor. Weaving in and out of all the trash and making sure my feet didn’t step on any needles.
I looked through and heard my mom gasping. Breathing heavily with pleasure. It was horrible to see. As a kid. Having a mom like her we didn’t know what man she was going to bring home next.
“It pays the bills,” mum always said, “you’ll understand when you’re older”
The man caught me looking.
He slung my mom off of him. Walked toward the door, kicking some crap out of the way. Looked down at me, smiled and slammed the door and got back to business.
I woke up in the car. We had stopped at a rest stop. It was still dark outside, but the sky was beginning to get lighter.
I was still tired
For obvious reasons. All I wanted to do was stay at home and relax, but my sister being my sister. I couldn’t turn it down. She was still asleep. I’d say we were about half way till we reached it. our destination.
The crack whore
That’s all I’ve ever called her. Still, it dazzled me how my sister still held hope for her. After so long.
Ten years with no contact. I couldn’t believe it. I looked and brushed her hair away from her eye and smiled.
“How can you be so stupid?” I said
I got out the car and looked at the emptiness in front of me. Space for thought. Space to shout my pain away and throw it for miles.
“All of this is going to be for nothing,” I said to myself
The door then opened and out came my sister. She probably heard everything. Listened to every word. I looked around and smiled as she walked to my side of the car, my small little green thing, Samantha. I always named my cars.
“It’s not you know,” she said
She stood right next to me and rested her head on my shoulder. The air was warm and the sky was slowly getting brighter.
“What?” I asked
“A waste of time”
“She won’t thank us”
“She’s still our mom”
We had been through a lot of hardships. Up and downs. Left and rights.
With a huge wall that was near enough impossible to climb. We had nearly starved my sister and I, but we were there for each other.
We had never needed her, my mom. She had disappeared and had never even bothered searching for us when we were homeless. Never even fucking bothered.
Is a strong word, but that’s how I felt. She was selfish, always has been, always will be. Why couldn’t my sister see that?
“A mom who didn’t care about her kids”
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said
I cut her off.
“Because you was there when it was happening, you was there when you and I had to find a shelter when we were only little, you were there when we had to find our own food, we nearly died and where was she? Out there selling her body and taking crack”
“It’s hard to think sometimes, I know, but love is what matters here,” she told
“I don’t feel it, it ran out along time ago,” I said
I saw her face. Her emotions were strong and I could feel it hitting my heart. Trying to search for it. Trying to see if there was any hope, but my eyes said it all. My emotionless face made it obvious.
“You hate her?”
“I despise her,” I told
A tear rolled down her cheek. She shook her head and turned like she couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe it? That should be the other way round shouldn’t it? It should be I couldn’t believe she still loved her.
But that’s how I felt and that’s how I’ll always feel.
“We had hard times, Rhonda and we got through it, but I’ve always wanted mom back, always, because mom’s are the strength that any child needs, no matter what age”
“I’m perfectly capable and so are you, we’ve both had to learn how to stay strong through all the shit, don’t drag yourself down and think you’re weak because that is dangerous, mom will only drag you down even further”
“Then why did you come?” She asked
“Because I love you and I’ll do anything to keep you safe”
“All this stuff, it said earlier on the radio that this disease is spreading, there’s been cases in the UK now”
“Jesus,” I said
“It’s getting worse”
“It’ll be fine, we always find a way,” I told, I got back in the car, “come on, let’s go save our crack whore mom”
We got in Samantha and restarted the journey. Not knowing what we were heading into. Not knowing if we’d succeed