Survivors of the Z’s- Rhonda Gedling, Motel Liz, outside Colorado
It was a cold night
Not in general
I sat cross legged next to the space where she was buried. The stars in the night sky twinkled. I hoped she was one of them. Looking down on me with a broard smile
Just her finally at peace
“We had some times didn’t we?” I spoke, “remember when we had to shop lift to survive, it was all my idea, but we had no other choice and I ended up getting caught and you rescued me, by kicking the security guard in the balls, because you were my big sister and thats what sisters do… look after each other”
I stayed gazing at the crystal- clear- sky with a few tears beginning to shed. I had shed many that now. I could feel the river was running dry.
Soon I would be emotionless
Free from crying
Free from tears blinding my vision
Free from being vulnerable
Thats what I thought then. The crying was vigourous. Making me feel bad in so many ways that I began to worry about how I would turn out in the future.
My emotional bank going bankrupt
Just like my tears
It was her
I didn’t want to look round
I didn’t want to look at her
She walked around to where I was facing and I saw her silhouette.
She stood there
And the quiet washed upon us
“She was an angel,” she said
I gave her a deadly look that couldnt be seen in the dark, “how would you know?”
“Those last moments I spent with her, that is enough”
“Just to show up in the final moments isn’t enough, you haven’t been there”
She put her hand on mine, “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere”
I thought about what she said. I gave it a thought and tried to think about the larger scale
The bigger picture
I tried to think positive
I had a mother that seemed to love me. That didn’t want to leave my side
I had somebody that would want to be there for me when things went to shit
That didn’t change it. It didnt change the past that always blew the potential apart. It would be forever engraved in my mind.
A child should never witness her mother spaced out on drugs
I pulled away, “I can’t do this”
I walked away from her. Deep into the night. Deep into something that felt like my own fucking head…
It had always been a possibility. My life getting worser every god- damn- minute. It was always going to lead to that point.
Being the unstable bridge that it was. That it always had been. It was bound to collapse at some point.
And it finally did
“What do I have to do?!” She asked
“Bring my sister back!”
“You know I can’t that”
“Then you’re useless to me, like you’ve always have been”
“Thats not fair”
“Oh it isn’t?” I asked
“No… its not”
“Do you want me to tell you all the reasons why it is fair?”
She came toward me, her stride was determined, “Look, what I did was disgusting, I get that, what I did I cannot take back, I was a shit mom, a vile creature that didn’t and still doesn’t deserve to have kids, but”-
“But what, its all better now, is that what you’re going to say?”
“No… No I wasn’t, I was going to say I want to be here for you now, I know in your mind you think its too late, but it isn’t, I can still be a mother to you”
I shook my head. Her words were knocking on the door. I could see it and hear it in the words she spoke. I didn’t know what to do at that point.
Despice the woman that was supposed to be my mother and protect me?
Love the woman that was there at that moment? I was too distraught to find an answer.
I just said
“Get away from me, please”
“Leave me the fuck alone!”
I turned and hit her in the face. I heard the impact and I felt it. She fell to the floor and cried out. I held my hands to my face and sobbed.
“You should’ve just left me alone!” I told, “now look! I can’t do this, you hear me?! This isn’t right, not only have I lost my sister, not only is the world falling a part around me, but I have you to remind me of the fucked up childhood I had”
She began to stir. She sat up and held her face.
I could sense her emotion
I had just shown what I felt about her and it had crushed her.
“Do you want me to go?” She asked
“You already know the answer to that”
“Ok,” she said
She got up and walked into the dark.
Was I wrong?
Should I have given her the chance?
I looked up at the sky and hoped a certain somebody was listening, “I hate her, but what do I do? If I let her leave, the journey would’ve been a waste, especially for my sister, but if I let her go… I wouldn’t miss her… but would I?”
I was confused. I shook my head
I knew what I had to do