Survivors of the Z’s – Teddy Baker, Gatewick, outside Wales
I turned the lamp back on and
sat there staring at the mess I’d made.
Like a black and white film
A gritty drama
Staring at the mess that other people would’nt even dare to clean up. Never mind create in the first place. To create for the greater good.
For my kids
Thats what I thought in the deep gargantuan mind I had. In the vast forest of shit that had been placed upon my feet
My childrens feet
And now I sat there staring
Gazing at what once was a loving relationship between a father and son
Was a gateway to a more of an insane mind
It was a scary thing for me at first
To know what I could do
The new power that I had
A power to do what I thought must be done
And that power was creating something new
A fresh start that would create fear in anybodies mind
If I could kill my own dad and my own wife
I could kill anything to make sure my family survived
Was going to stop that progression
I didnt get much sleep that night
Maybe even none at all
It was early hours in the morning and the sun hadn’t even showed itselt yet. The only thing I could see as I sat there on the floor was his hand hanging out from the side of the bed
A hand that I had held many of times
As a child
As a teenager
Even as a young man
Many of those times I had seeked his help and many of those times I had threw it back in his face.
I wanted to hold it then and feel the stength within my grasp
The strength of a father
But I was only lieing to myself
He was old before I ended him
The strength wouldn’t have been there anymore to cope with what was to come
I saved him
I breathed the air that he used to breath, my mum used to lay right next to him, sharing the air, “I hope you understand why I did it, I hope you understand the danger you was in if I would’ve kept you here, you wouldn’t have stood a chance, not with whats to come,” I stood up and walked toward him and sat down beside him, to hold his hand, lifeless, “I did you a favour, the world is going to shit, you’re now with mum which is all that matters, don’t worry about the kids, I will do anything and I mean anything to protect them… one day they will understand why I did this… one day”
One day they would, so I hoped. I begged for it to happen that one day they would think of their old man as their saviour and not the man that destroyed their lives. I hoped
Begged that they would look back and see every single reason why it had to be done. I laid down next to him. In the same space where my mum once was. Where she used to rest her loving soul. I stared up at the ceiling and thought about everything.
“You had a lot of love to give and I felt every bit of it, thats what I have to thank you for, for what I will always thank you for, I will never forget you dad, never, until the day I die, who knows,” I smiled and sniggered, a joking sound but a dreaded thought, a possible thought, “maybe it’ll be my son who kills me”
I closed my eyes and thought of happier times. A good dream
A beautitul dream
Came to pass me, mum and dad walking on the ever- green- fields from the back of the house. The gusts of winds blew the grass slightly into my hands
I laughed and the child- sound echoed in the winds.
I held out my palms and let the grass blow into them. I looked on and glanced upon my mother and father.
They walked in front of me
All I could see were the backs of their heads
Both had brown hair once more
Like the old days
When they were young and energetic
Mum then grabbed my dads hand then my dad put his arm around her.
Mums head then fell comfortably on to his shoulder and they walked slowly along.
It was such a soothing walk
The feel of the scene
At one with my parents as a child
It could’nt have gotten any better
My pace then picked up.
I was chasing my parents.
My child- like- voice blew away in the wind. They couldnt hear, so I waited until I reached them.
I was beside them, “mum, dad”
They both turned
And within seconds. My child self was brought down.
The reality of my parents in the dream reverberated through my spine. They suddenly screamed a terrifying scream. Their faces were grotesqe. Their eyes dripped with blood and their hands were dried up.
Like their faces.
They went to grab me and I awakened
I opened my eyes and saw a figure at the corner of my eye which made me jump.
“Jesus, Jack,” I said
His eyes were deadly. His gaze
Since the day I turned the corner
Shot a bullet through my heart
“What’re you doing up?” I asked
“You killed grandad?”
The moment I was about to let out the words of explanation. A hand grabbed hold of my shoulder and a sound that could only be my fathers
But it wasnt
Rang through my body
“Shit!” I said
He had risen and he was reaching for me. His eyes began to freeze me. His face had become a desert
I Jumped up and stood in front of my son, “son, stay behind me”